NAME: Matthew Alexander Bergmann
AKA: Artie Smackman, Skimbow Jack, Jonny, Matte Black
WEIGHT: 200 lbs.
MEASUREMENTS: 43, 38 1/2, 39"
DATE OF BIRTH: August 2, 1972 A.D.
PLACE OF BIRTH: NYC, NY, USA
REASON FOR BIRTH: Cheap labor
TURN ONS:Sex, Pork, Guns, Beer, Bourbon, Cheese, Rayon, Habanero peppers, Body odor, Large American cars made before 1970, Pizza, High carbon steel knives.
TURN OFFS:Cheezy pop music, Polyester, Overcooked pasta, Catalogs, American cheese, Tofu, Television, California wines, Cigarettes, Sexually transmitted diseases, Halitosis.
AMBITIONS: To rid the world of cheezy pop music. (Good luck!)
SKILLS: Electric guitar operator, Electric bass guitar operator, Sleazy record producer, Lazy recording engineer, Heat-crazed-ape Tamer, Gourmet chef, Butcher, Fisherman, Agricultural engineer, Spelunker, Mountain climber, Interborough courier, Phrenologist, Lounge Singer, Barrister, Grave digger. (A real bon vivant savant, aye?)
PERSONAL HISTORY:Born a homeless orphan, he was raised by stray cats on poisoned rat meat and rancid beer. His education consisted solely of 1970s TV and Cinema. When he was 11, his biological father passed away and left him a house in Brooklyn with a recording studio. Matt soon became interested in music when he saw how easy it was to make money and get laid with 3 chords a delusion that a certain cable music video channel, which shall remain nameless, fueled immensely. Matthew met Dimitri Gurevitch in early 1985. He was robbing some grade school students of their lunch money to buy beer when Dimitri approached him and offered him a job in the music industry with the promise of sex, drugs and wealth. This was a childhood dream come true. The rest is history.
Dimitri Gurevitch -
William Carl Black -
Erik Hoagland -
Alan Lerner -
Table of Contents -
Gigs/Current Affairs -
Band Biography -
Caught on Film -
Ancient History/Dossiers -
Links to Hell